im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
