I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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