Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
