Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
