I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
