wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
