No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
