I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How external is "for external use only"?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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