Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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