Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
