A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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