I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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