why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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