You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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