Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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