I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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