you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
