Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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