omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.