i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.