im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
