I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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