Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize