3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
