I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
