i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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