My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
