yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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