I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
