How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
