So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
