I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
