I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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