I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
