I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Randomize