there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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