Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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