i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
3 2 1 whiskey
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
