Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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