You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
