Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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