walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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