Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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