I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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