It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
