I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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