3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
