One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
