Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
