You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
