Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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