Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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