my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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