In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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