Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
