I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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