I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
