3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
