Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
