I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
